I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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