i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
