Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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