I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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