Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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