I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
