When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
