She's JV to your varsity
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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