I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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