i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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