i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
