it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
