dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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