We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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