I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
