so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
