Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize