I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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