i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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