So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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