Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
