Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
sarcasm needs its own font
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
