mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize