I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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