so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
