I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
