Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
