yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize