He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
