Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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