before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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