She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
