Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
