just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
