If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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