Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wish my penis had a tongue
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
