he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
