I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
