smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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