i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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