four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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