Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
