i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
