The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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