life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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