Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
