Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
