I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
