I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
