I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
