Fine. I'll sleep in my office
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
