Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
