I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
