This is not my ceiling
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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