and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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