i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
