I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
