We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
