My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
